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blog:2018:0303_lurking

Lurking

As a small child always felt something lurked in shadows, what I don't know? I always felt watched daytime, nightime, it didn't matter. At night time things became worse, what does a peaceful night of sleep equate? Fuck I don't know..or I can't remember. I remember a time when I lived on 2 hours of sleep.I was frightened to sleep. Undergoing regimented physical, mental, and emotional abuse severing any tie for lent ability to trust. Early in age I understood such concepts of contradiction, deception, and anger I never understood x-chromo, “Don't make me beat you!” I'm not? I can not make you do anything you do not want to do? How am I causing you to beat me? (that sentient) My ass was so beat as a child it's not funny. I was raised with concepts and ideas to protect my abuser. Making me ask the question?, “What's wrong with me?” The stockholm syndrome kicks because I am suppose to love my abusers? Seems to be the message, and how I was suppose to form to how x and y molded me..I never did Programming began early…

Religion sanctioned abuse, military sanctioned abuse off the books, I was sold by my parents!! Like a fuckin common slave.I found one tracking device, I did not save this but I'm happy to describe. It was a piece of film, white on one side, kodak film with a red strip on top side of film. I'm not saying this was a unique foreign object in my upper forearm. Experiencing harassment while driving, unmarked vehicles, military vehicles, vehicles with military general stars. Dont' get me wrong I see cars like this, but not on a daily basis. Followed into places such as Wal mart, Target, Resturants. Receiving terrible food when I am with my husband. On my own I receive perfect food go figure. I married a hitman, he fits the descript.. Long story stort, I'm not sure what the real story is, but I was suppose to be head over heels in love with hitman, and when I found out he wasn't all that. I was suppose to hit delta mode, self descruct mode, and kill myself. No one banked on self love I have for myself therefore beating odds stacked against me. My survival perplexes teams studying me.bHow I compare with others family members our stories are similar. considering we were all raised apart. Drug addicts, imprisoned, mental disorders, young parents, seems like a typical pattern. I made different choices, and still failed without going off the deep end.

blog/2018/0303_lurking.txt · Last modified: 04/02/2019 07:00 by Alisssandra