As a small child always felt something lurked in shadows, what I don't know?

I always felt watched daytime, nightime, it didn't matter.

At night time things became worse, what does a peaceful night of sleep equate?

Fuck I don't know..or I can't remember.

I remember a time when I lived on 2 hours of sleep.

Because I was frightened to sleep.

Undergoing regimented physical, mental, and emotional abuse severing any tie for

lent ability to trust.

Early in age I understood such concepts of contradiction, deception, and anger

I never understood x-chromo, “Don't make me beat you!”

I'm not?

I can not make you do anything you do not want to do?

How am I causing you to beat me? (that sentient)

My ass was so beat as a child it's not funny.

I was raised with concepts and ideas to protect my abuser.

Making me ask the question?, “What's wrong with me?”

The stockholm syndrome kicks because I am suppose to love my abusers?

Seems to be the message, and how I was suppose to form to how x and y molded

me..

I never did

Programming began early…

Religion sanctioned abuse, military sanctioned abuse off the books,

I was sold by my parents!!

Like a fuckin common slave.

I found one tracking device, I did not save this but I'm happy to describe.

It was a piece of film, white on one side, kodak film with a red

strip on top side of film.

I'm not saying this was a unique foreign object in my upper forearm.

Experiencing harassment while driving, unmarked vehicles, military vehicles,

vehicles with military general stars.

Dont' get me wrong I see cars like this, but not on a daily basis.

Followed into places such as Wal mart, Target, Resturants.

Receiving terrible food when I am with my husband.

On my own I receive perfect food go figure.

I married a hitman, he fits the descript..

Long story stort, I'm not sure what the real story is, but

I was suppose to be head over heels in love with hitman, and when I found out

he wasn't all that.

I was suppose to hit delta mode, self descruct mode, and kill myself.

No one banked on self love I have for myself therefore beating odds stacked

against me.

My survival perplexes teams studying me.

How I compare with others family members our stories are similar.

considering we were all raised apart.

Drug addicts, imprisoned, mental disorders, young parents,

seems like a typical pattern.

I made different choices, and still failed without going off the deep end.