Living abuse I grew in helped forge feelings of mistrust, distrust, and basically raising myself in a world I shouldn't have been introduced.

Luckily I had intermittent people who helped guide such a soul as myself. People who are far in-between during different crucial time periods.

Yes, I'm writing about my trauma ambiguously. What this doesn't help is taking progressive actions to help fix damage created. Creating a journey I need to embark upon.

I don't have faith in psychological field to truly help, and I need specialized care. Since psychological dr.s are not interested in doing there job, and have agendas of their own makes trusting field difficult.

I hate when psychologists tell me, “I'd make for an interesting case study.”

For all intensive purposes my core center functional, responsible, stable, and dependable. Fun words…I suffer multiple personalities some I'm aware. Others I am not familiar makes living a little scary.

What I do know when Mel cannot handle pressure, anxiety, or high levels of stress I blank out. Another personality kicks into drive, Mel disappears or sleeps. Others personalities kick in they aren't here to hurt or harm. Doesn't happen often noticed more when I worked last job B4 arriving here. They keep me moving and going in a positive direction. Zero harm from another personality.

I have phased out, lost time, and suffered a bit of amnesia. I'm so quiet most wouldn't know if I'm there or not.

Mel my logical, analytical, and deducing mind. My outward shell what I show or give to others. The part which has grown, evolved, and matured. A connected thought process to shield Melissa.

Then I have Melissa….It's easier to say “she's dead” holy fuck just as complex. Easy to describe but complicated. I don't connect to my given name. Stopped going by that name when I was 6 yrs old.

Mel was essential to save what was left of Melissa. I became my own hero in many respects. What I failed in Melissa was sheltering emotions and kept Melissa from growth.